Of course
the question is: Adding these chemicals, the drugs to my body for the purpose
of having a certain effect or a counteraction in my body including my mind,
does this actually improve my health
and functionality? What of the “pain-killers”? Am I to actually have my pain
diminished? The symptom placated, as it were? Does my experience of the pain as
it is have a “higher” or, for that matter, “natural” function that is necessary
for my human experience? Is serotonin, which reduces symptoms of sadness and depression
and their particular perspective,
actually to not be taken, so that I
might feel certain things and attain perhaps a deeper and more comprehensive
understanding and experience of myself? For the serotonin taken in this way
seems to cut my consciousness off from the pain within the depths of myself
which seems to hold certain kinds of awarenesses and revelations for me. It
seems to me that many of my bodily ills come to me as a result of a adding these noxious chemicals to my body.
In the exact same vein, as it were,
there is the world of technology that takes control, that takes over society
and culture, replacing, it seems, a vital “natural connection” within us.
People become, in many respects, as almost crazed automatons, addicted to the
electronic devices that come to control their minds and their behaviors. I can
see that this kind of monitoring and supervision could improve the human race
but that it definitely has not; it seems that this cyborgian reality has
disconnected humanity from itself and each other, at least on a deep “human”
level, far more than bringing it together.
The
body begins to fail in all its pain and in all our loss. It stops working
properly, required medical external treatments, some of which seem somewhat
effective. One never wants them for one finds oneself more and more less human.
Is this part of God’s Plan for: to us to see these meds and drugs that effect
us in the body as they do as part and parcel of God’s Work? We are much better
off if such is our experience, if our “improvement” is simply another
expression of the goodness of “what is”. Or have we become cyborgs, part
literally machine and chemical with a rather smaller claim at “being human” and
a “greater need” to see ourselves as “less human/less natural” and more
mechanical and lacking in human qualities like emotion and, in due times,
intelligence itself—as WE become worked on, manipulated, even controlled by
forces greater than ourselves. What we once called miracles are now part of the
treatment for the machine that we become.
In my mind I still find myself actually
“praying for miracles” entailed healing in my own body and in my wife’s that
enable me to endure as her companion and caregiver. This is my biggest prayer
and it seems there is much rejected of the reality of “what is” in existence
and specifically in my life and other’s lives. Most often, people who are “afflicated”
must follow their afflication “to the end” without either recourse or
alternative, though if a “still greater context” is found and experienced
dependably, the existing rules, as they were, may be alleviated if you know
how. I see myself as “somewhat advanced”, both my focus and preference, but
also by a “faith in what is” perhaps even more than a faith in God, though what
God is, or perhaps the function of God, is quite squarely present is all that
is, denoted a level of faith at least as strong—and by my criteria immeasurably
stronger than that of Christianity simply because it is not based in
sentimental, magickal, elemental theory but it foundation laws of existence.
But now I begin to tire and
consequently fade quickly, having gotten up and finally taken the meds I use to
help me get through the night with sleep and reduced pain: glips, hydro, and
zolps. I suppose they are now part of me—as much as I’d prefer otherwise. Part
of my dream now, though I think I can skip the “happy pills” and just let my
depression down dips drown me a bit before I return to a semblance of human
once more. I don’t know if “crushing the soul” on a regular basis weakens its
fabric and future performance or if has the effect of consequently keeping it “flexible”
and able to “go with the flow,” or hopefully create its own. The latter is what
I ultimately count on. “Happy pills” make too much of a buffer between myself
and myself able to be in the world; such buffer becoming a “wall.”
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