AN EXPLANATION OF SORTS

 

I practiced Buddhist meditation, primarily zazen, for forty years, and Theosophical meditation for almost twenty. I was raised and educated in Roman Catholicism. I have a PhD in Depth Psychology (Jungian). The result of all this is a kind of “zen mind,” which is not necessarily desirable in Western culture and society. This “zen mind” of mine is a strange one, for I also took a lot of LSD, which also turned out to be a strong spiritual path while it and I lasted. So there is a quite mystical, Jungian, Gnostic, Catholic aspect within me. These various backgrounds express themselves; I’m not so “zen” as I purport to be. In my living room is a Russian Orthodox icon of Jesus, to whom I have spoken (yes, prayed) many times and still do, though I claim to be a “non-believer”; my rational mind cannot conceive of believing, however, as a child, I believed. Catholicism is a mystical religion which relishes “mystery,” which is to say “not knowing.” It is quite Buddhist in that respect. I should note that I do not believe in Buddhism either; I have tasted too much of Krishnamurti in many respects. But, as exemplified in my previous posting to this blog, I do believe that there is power in Christianity and in prayer. It is the power of two thousand years of Christian belief in Christ, which has had the effect of creating something that has become actually real. I don’t believe it is mere coincidence or accident that my prayers “have been answered” numerous times over the years. I have seen results that would be called “miracles” and, to my mind, were miracles. Theosophists would say that such faith and belief over so long became thoughtforms that were literally brought to life. Almost in spite of my rational mind and even my zen non-belief in such things, I also hold true that that what happens is “meant to happen”; so that one may make choices and learn and evolve. My ultimate view is that “I” can both “contain” and “be” these seemingly contradicting forces and truths simultaneously. I don’t see it as one or the other but as both, or, in reality, as many. I have experienced and simply know too much to view it otherwise. This is not to boast. Sometimes one has not the choice to ignore, which is to say, be ignorant. And this is not to say that I do not know that I am ignorant. What I say here may sound like I am a very confused person, but in fact I’m not. In fact I make total sense. And I put this all in my blog here because it may serve the function of bringing clarity or even accuracy to someone, even if that someone be just me.

FROM REAL BOY TO FLESH PUPPET: THE PINOCCHIO REVERSAL

 

I close my eyes and see great distances through time and space, as if I were traveling light years. It is an awareness in the moment which is seemingly not contained in time or space.

 

Quite suddenly, I had a "cosmic moment" this morning. In a particular moment I was absolutely aware that the whole universe was directly and completely expressing itself in that moment in that place and seeing it through my eyes and experiencing itself right there, as if all time and space were located exactly here and now. Afterwards I went for a walk up on a local mountain ridge and each person (other hikers) looked me in the eye and we "recognized each other" in "the cosmic realm."

 

There is nothing “to be done” with this: it is a multidimensional state. It is a “reminder” of such though. It does make a difference because it conveys truer perspective of “myself” and what that is and isn’t. I see “myself” as a kind of “lens” through which things are seen and perceived, even though the lens is really just a function of being. I don’t even know what that means though. It is like “simply appearing”; I am as an appearance that believes it is real, and, in that belief, it becomes real. Pinocchio in reverse, starting out as a “real boy” and then recognizing himself to be a flesh puppet. This recognition is only just “seeing the truth” of things.

 

I do sleep at night—with the proper sleep and pain meds—and I awaken to pain after a limited sleep. This would seem to be an impediment in my life. But it probably causes me to fall asleep in the afternoon or evening, and I have lucid dreams in which I am aware of where I am and what I am doing, at least somewhat. These are rather trippy, mystical dreams that provide “insights” or even experiences of different “dimensions” of existence. I some ways I believe that I am “led” in my life to become aware or conscious of various realities, which is to say that my pain and lack of sleep provide the opportunity for a new opening in which I see new vistas of being. I tend to see all of life in this mystical and magical way. This gives me an interest, curiosity, and fascination with “what happens.” I see that “what happens” in life can be horrendous, but that even that is “purposeful” and can be learned from. I may be quite fearful when death comes: after this last frightening MRI with its ear-shattering, chaotic, clashing sounds (which arise from the collision of magnetic fields bombarding and passing through one’s body), I had a sense that this is what might happen when one dies, which is frightening to me. But I would come to bear the unbearable since there is no other choice. It would have the effect of further unraveling that which I believe myself to be. I no longer “sit” in zazen (Buddhist meditation) but I find that I tend to naturally meditate, that such is often my natural state of mind (which does not mean that I am particularly equaniminous–in a state of equanimity–at all). I am perhaps in a state in which I am aware of how I feel, i.e. which emotions I am experiencing and maybe even their source in my thought or body, but such awareness/experience/attention does not dissipate anything necessarily. For instance, when I am in pain, I am definitely in fucking pain, for which I take half a Vicodin. I don’t believe that any purpose of meditation it to escape from whatever may be occurring.