I close my eyes and see great distances
through time and space, as if I were traveling light years. It is an awareness
in the moment which is seemingly not contained in time or space.
Quite suddenly, I had a "cosmic
moment" this morning. In a particular moment I was absolutely aware that
the whole universe was directly and completely expressing itself in that moment
in that place and seeing it through my eyes and experiencing itself right
there, as if all time and space were located exactly here and now. Afterwards I
went for a walk up on a local mountain ridge and each person (other hikers)
looked me in the eye and we "recognized each other" in "the
cosmic realm."
There is nothing “to be done” with this: it is
a multidimensional state. It is a “reminder” of such though. It does make a
difference because it conveys truer perspective of “myself” and what that is
and isn’t. I see “myself” as a kind of “lens” through which things are seen and
perceived, even though the lens is really just a function of being. I don’t
even know what that means though. It is like “simply appearing”; I am as an
appearance that believes it is real, and, in that belief, it becomes real.
Pinocchio in reverse, starting out as a “real boy” and then recognizing himself
to be a flesh puppet. This recognition is only just “seeing the truth” of
things.
I do sleep at night—with the proper sleep and
pain meds—and I awaken to pain after a limited sleep. This would seem to be an
impediment in my life. But it probably causes me to fall asleep in the
afternoon or evening, and I have lucid dreams in which I am aware of where I am
and what I am doing, at least somewhat. These are rather trippy, mystical
dreams that provide “insights” or even experiences of different “dimensions” of
existence. I some ways I believe that I am “led” in my life to become aware or
conscious of various realities, which is to say that my pain and lack of sleep
provide the opportunity for a new opening in which I see new vistas of being. I
tend to see all of life in this mystical and magical way. This gives me an
interest, curiosity, and fascination with “what happens.” I see that “what happens”
in life can be horrendous, but that even that is “purposeful” and can be
learned from. I may be quite fearful when death comes: after this last
frightening MRI with its ear-shattering, chaotic, clashing sounds (which arise
from the collision of magnetic fields bombarding and passing through one’s body),
I had a sense that this is what might happen when one dies, which is
frightening to me. But I would come to bear the unbearable since there is no
other choice. It would have the effect of further unraveling that which I believe
myself to be. I no longer “sit” in zazen (Buddhist meditation) but I find that I
tend to naturally meditate, that such is often my natural state of mind (which
does not mean that I am particularly equaniminous–in a state of equanimity–at
all). I am perhaps in a state in which I am aware of how I feel, i.e. which
emotions I am experiencing and maybe even their source in my thought or body,
but such awareness/experience/attention does not dissipate anything
necessarily. For instance, when I am in pain, I am definitely in fucking pain,
for which I take half a Vicodin. I don’t believe that any purpose of meditation
it to escape from whatever may be occurring.
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