Wednesday, June 27, 2018

A FEW "EXPLANATORY" THOUGHTS AND "THE BEST POSSIBLE PREPARATION" FOR LIVING

I am quite aware that probably not quite everyone writes a blog. For some it may be much the same as “taking a selfie,” which is to say, “Here I am. Look at me. Pay attention. I exist. This is proof to all!” As narcissistic as I may be, I don’t think that’s quite my intention. Today, while waiting for a PT session for my wife, I handwrote the following in my journal:

So I say what I say in my blog—which is my attempt to make sense of life and convey that to myself, though also to others. I feel satisfied that I am doing this, though also rather exposed to judgment from others (and myself) and some embarrassment. But life is a search, a quest. Life is a search for meaning and I have searched just about my whole life. I don’t know if it is right or proper to share such a seemingly personal quest. Doing so makes me feel vulnerable and embarrassed, but it is not just my search, my quest; it is something I believe I have in common with just about everyone. Thus I do not see it as only my quest. If my own experience or what I have to convey can help anyone to attain any insight or understanding in their own search, it is worthwhile. I have to accept myself in this role—with all my flaws and self-criticism—and the more I do, the more “natural” such sharing becomes to me. It becomes not so much a sharing of my quest but a contribution to all our quests.

And later, as I waited outside in the car, while my wife, moving quite slowly, shopped for a few food items, I handwrote the following in the journal:


All these endless tasks to do—but such is life; such is my life. I count my blessings. I am most fortunate—even though my wife suffers. I am here to help her, to take care of her. I will see her through it, believing her healing or improving to be quite possible—only a matter of time in fact. (Such is my perpetual wishful thinking.)  And I worry, yes. And I am anxious, yes. And I even have my sometimes severe pain, yes. But such is life and I know this. In truth, what else is to be expected? When the worse happens, the worst happens. And sometimes the best too. Not to worry; it will happen as it does. That understanding is the best possible preparation. God did not do it to us; he’s been asleep on the couch for billions of years. I simply don’t have a “need to believe” in that. Better to be able and willing to see the goodness in the hearts of human beings, including my own.

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