I am quite aware
that probably not quite everyone writes a blog. For some it may be much the
same as “taking a selfie,” which is to say, “Here I am. Look at me. Pay
attention. I exist. This is proof to all!” As narcissistic as I may be, I don’t
think that’s quite my intention. Today, while waiting for a PT session for my
wife, I handwrote the following in my journal:
So I say what I say
in my blog—which is my attempt to make sense of life and convey that to myself,
though also to others. I feel satisfied that I am doing this, though also
rather exposed to judgment from others (and myself) and some embarrassment. But
life is a search, a quest. Life is a search for meaning and I have searched
just about my whole life. I don’t know if it is right or proper to share such a
seemingly personal quest. Doing so makes me feel vulnerable and embarrassed,
but it is not just my search, my quest; it is something I believe I have
in common with just about everyone. Thus I do not see it as only my quest. If my
own experience or what I have to convey can help anyone to attain any insight
or understanding in their own search, it is worthwhile. I have to accept myself
in this role—with all my flaws and self-criticism—and the more I do, the more “natural”
such sharing becomes to me. It becomes not so much a sharing of my quest but a
contribution to all our quests.
And later, as I waited outside in the
car, while my wife, moving quite slowly, shopped for a few food items, I
handwrote the following in the journal:
All these endless
tasks to do—but such is life; such is my life. I count my blessings. I am most
fortunate—even though my wife suffers. I am here to help her, to take care of
her. I will see her through it, believing her healing or improving to be quite
possible—only a matter of time in fact. (Such is my perpetual wishful
thinking.) And I worry, yes. And I am
anxious, yes. And I even have my sometimes severe pain, yes. But such is life
and I know this. In truth, what else is to be expected? When the worse happens,
the worst happens. And sometimes the best too. Not to worry; it will happen as
it does. That understanding is the
best possible preparation. God did not do it to us; he’s been asleep on the
couch for billions of years. I simply don’t have a “need to believe” in that.
Better to be able and willing to see the goodness in the hearts of human
beings, including my own.
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