APPROACHING DEATH AND LIFE AFTER DEATH

[I wrote this some time ago; apparently in a moment of particular self-doubt, but sometimes these can be the very best moment of clarity and insight and honesty.]

How does one approach, that is, prepare for one’s own death, much less what may proceed after death? I gave up immediately after typing the title. A bit of time has passed. I have to do something. Walking around in this flesh, I am compelled to at least write something, to bring something to someone’s attention, even if only my own, though hopefully much more, about what all of this is. I of course refer to existence, to life, to my life, to our lives on this planet, perhaps more. It is most difficult to write about something that you do not know for sure and can only surmise, taking other people’s words for it, at best. I want to simply say, “No, I cannot and will not do this. It is a self-deception being passed on to others. It is my own desperation inflicted upon others by a promise of knowledge and hope, and is best just pitied and left at that.” But what if there were truth to what I say, to what others have said? What if there were something, however small, that provided a glimpse of something greater, something that contained a greater reality, a greater truth? If we bark up every tree in existence, may we not ultimately bark up the “right” tree? I have been barking up wrong trees ever since I can remember, but that doesn’t mean I should stop; there is no “lesson to be learned” in barking up the wrong tree. It’s just the wrong tree, that’s all. And perhaps each of these wrong trees contains a wee bit of the truth, a tiny part of the right tree. There is something that draws me to each particular tree; I believe it is a bit of reality, a bit of what is real, even if only a reflection.

          And so, not knowing where to begin, I begin. While it may be quite true that the longest journey begins with the first step, the shortest journey may be only one step. I see life as a long journey because I believe that it also includes what we call “death.” Nature does not reveal any form of life, as far as I know, that consists of only one manifestation and then it is gone. Even mutations are not that short-lived. Everything regenerates and seemingly evolves or at least adapts to a changing environment. Humans are walking, talking crops. Plus, I am aware that I have lived as other identities, other people, though many lifetimes. While I am being quite literal in this, it also seems as if I am other people around me; it is as though I know their very thoughts, feelings, and sensations. But I digress; I am speaking of reincarnation, of past lives of which I am aware.

          While death is of interest to me, the after-death period interests me more. I do remember dying just a bit, however, the experience after that escapes me. I believe I remember even being in the womb, but not prior to that. So, the most I can accomplish in this writing is a kind of discussion of the various writings of others who have claimed to know something about this death and after-death experience. Of course, such a discussion entails the process of life itself, of what it means to exist, of what it is to exist. It becomes a highly metaphysical topic: how best to live our lives as human beings. I am familiar with a fair number of world views, as it were, and of life-after-death views as well. I will discuss these not as necessarily true in themselves, but, rather, as springboards for further thought and discussion. I don’t know where or how far such thought and discussion may go. I don’t think it will necessarily be a short journey though I do think it will be a meandering one; one that may include some of my own past life experiences, as I call them. But I must call even them into question, as well as the notion of past lives, for though I do rather firmly believe in them, based on my own seeming experience, they may not be valid whatsoever. But we must start somewhere. I must speak; I must talk about this, if not for the sake of humanity, then for my own sense of sanity and purpose. People keep journals as chronicles of their own existence; otherwise, they may simply cease to exist.

          Life’s importance, as I have come to sense as true, is to learn how to be a humane human being, that is, to make ourselves into “good” people, to undue “bad” karma and create “good” karma; karma being the effect of our actions as well as our thoughts, the two being obviously connected. Rudolf Steiner writes that it is not that we have to reincarnate to undue our karma, but that we see so clearly the effects of who we were and what we did that we want to (and know we must as well) come back again to make things right; the soul is a decent, moral, responsible entity. From another perspective, the pain of our wrongs, our sins, as it were, is so great that we create a living hell for ourselves, and know we must return to right our wrongs. Christianity, in denying reincarnation (at this point), manufactures an eternal Hell, whereas Islam and Judaism see Hell as more temporary, though they do not officially believe in reincarnation. Hinduism and Buddhism do teach reincarnation, especially Hinduism.

Even as a young child I found it strange and uncomfortable to be in a body; it just seemed too foreign; as if something was definitely wrong. I lost much of this discomfort when I discovered the profound pleasures of literal and physical sexual union with a woman, and came to identify with this sexual aspect of “myself,” and then, as I was compelled to enter into the world of commerce as well as many kinds of intercourse, I had successes and received attention. Venus on my Ascendant made me attractive to some and the net effect of all of this was that my sense of ego, of self-identity, of identity with the body strengthened, and I realized that I could use it to influence others and attain things that I wanted. It was a great ego rush of personal power. I rose in the ranks, as it were, and attained a kind of pinnacle of success. However, even as this was happening, which took about ten years, I was engaging in a Theosophical path and meditation that simultaneously led me to disidentify with myself and my seemingly worldly life; so much so that I just dropped that whole life and became almost reclusive and silent. I saw how identified I was with my body, its pleasures and life, and entered into a Buddhist path and sitting meditation, not so much as a member of Buddhism but as one doing the practice of a Buddhist.

          I do not comprehend why it is that we must take form in physical, human bodies, though, on the other hand, I do understand the power of our identification as physical human beings, and our desire to return to them as if we are “coming home” again. This also pertains to our identity as ourselves, as separate individuals, which is also a most powerful ego identity. I believe that I would like to return to “my” primordial state, as its referred to in Buddhism and Daoism; the state of being before I became myself, a separate individual entity. But, that said, my desire to return to an a priori  state of being, in which “I” do not exist as such, is probably impossible except by the “grace of God”; for my awareness of myself is in no way adequately separated from my physical and mental self-identity. Apparently it requires many existences of self-disidentification and abnegation before such “primordial being” is possible. Steiner notes that after death one is unable to make any changes to one’s being or one’s relationship to others. Whatever was accomplished or left wanting during one’s life is what one takes with them as is upon death. If such were to be true, it would be incumbent on us to right all wrongs while we are alive. Otherwise, we bring a bit of Hell upon ourselves as we suffer the pain of sorrow for the effects of our actions and our non-actions during our lives. This is precisely why I am compelled to write this; I must share it and explore further while I am alive. I may be the only person it helps, though I hope it will help many others to have understanding and mercy in their own lives.

          It is possible to see what drives people to do what they do, to be who they are, to think what they think, and feel how they feel. But seeing this does not change them at all; even if you told them what was happening and what they were doing, they would still most likely have to do it because they would not be able to comprehend what you were saying to them. If you’re in their way they might even kill you or worse. But there is the slightest chance that they will hear what you are saying, and alter their own course, change their behavior, diminish the negative effects of themselves. I am sometimes able to see what drives me to do what I do, to be who I am, to think what I think, to feel what I feel, but even me seeing that doesn’t necessarily change me in the long run. We are addicted to ourselves, living in “the shell of our own being,” as Steiner says, unable and unwilling to see ourselves as we truly are, even though we have seen ourselves clearly now and then; “through a glass, darkly,” as Paul says. We are fearful, guilty, and angry. Some of us become psychopathic, cold-blooded killers in the name of a hateful, wrathful God whom we have come to see in our insane self-addicted being as righteous, a reflection of our own twisted mind.

I am writing this in small “pieces” that are meant to be focused on a specific thought, all related to “approaching death and life after death.” Some parts will seem fragmented, but I like to think that these are pieces of what could be a jigsaw puzzle very slowly being put together, though it could be several jigsaw puzzles very slowing being put together. In fact it may take many lifetimes before it makes even the slightest sense, but, as I noted earlier, I am compelled to begin now, which could be a taking up where I left off some long time ago.

          One “practice” that I have utilized for probably forty years, on and off, has been that of Buddhist “sitting meditation” in the zazen style. I “sat” just now before coming to write this. I do not and have not done this for “spiritual” reasons, but rather so that I might be able to isolate myself for forty minutes and just see what’s on my mind, what I’m thinking, how I’m feeling. It’s a self-observational practice in which I give myself the opportunity to notice who I am in this time allotted. It does have a certain level of efficacy in that it removes me a bit from myself, from the perpetual psycho-mental-somatic process that makes me “me.” It is not devotional nor intellectual in its process, though there is sometimes strong emotion and always thinking, except for those brief moments when there is none, and “I” cease to exist in my own mind.

In this discussion of life after death, the notion of soul enters in almost universally, as in “the soul continues on,” be it eternally in a Heaven or a Hell, or, more specifically here, in terms of reincarnating in another human body. Whatever one may believe, this ubiquitous soul of which we speak, needs to be pinned down, for just what is the soul and what is its function? Perhaps in due time an equal discussion of God will come forth, though for now let us look at soul. In my estimation, based on the various sources I have read, soul may be seen as the link between spirit and matter, divine and human; mythologically, it might be seen as Mercury or Hermes or the Holy Ghost, as messenger traveling between the gods and humanity or the Father and the Son. From the Theosophical perspective, the soul is seen as kind of a “higher aspect” of ourselves that is in closer contact with the Divine and with which we in our lower mind, as it were, should seek to make constant contact. So, the soul is perceived as a kind of “higher mind” as compared to a lower, instinctual, animalistic, physical, reactive, automatic, unreflective mind. However, the soul is also recognized as changing and evolving in its own awareness; there can be “tortured” souls and souls upon a wrong and negative, if not evil, path of development. The soul is supposed to be obedient to the directives of the Spirit, the Divine quality, the Godly source, but, since the soul is evolving in and of itself, it too is on a learning curve. And, it should be noted, the Spirit too evolves and only seems absolute by comparison. The soul is also part and parcel of living in the flesh, and it does not exist where matter is not present; matter can be highly subtle and refined as in the “substance” of emotion and thought. The soul can also be identified as conscience, that is, our inherent moral quality that enables us to be “good,” to be loving and compassionate, to determine “right” from “wrong.” The soul is clearly distinguished from the ego, which in many schools of thought, is seen as the illusory image of the separate and separated self that is only able to see itself and thus live so that itself may survive, though from a few other perspectives ego or Ego is equated with soul. Here, ego pertains to the self-focused and self-centered aspect of human being. One of Steiner’s teachings is that the “immoral” person, that is, one who lacks the loving and compassionate component in life, is destined in death to being unable to relate with other beings in the after-life realm, to be trapped in the “shell of his (or her) own being” to the extent that any awareness is dimmed as if he is hermetically sealed off from interaction with other beings. Such a person is consequently quite alone, dimmed, and falls asleep to be rather quickly born again into a new body, largely unable to receive many of the infusions of repairing energy and awareness that occur after death and before rebirth.

          However, one can seriously over-literalize this notion of the soul as the overweening element of existence. In certain circles, like the Theosophical and the Jungian, the word soul may become a mere catchword, like the word God among Christians and religionists in general. One can come to associate certain emotions with the concept of soul-contact and engage in all kinds of self-deceptive pretensions, through which one further deludes oneself and others. Steiner and others make the point that one cannot pursue the “higher powers” that are present with us in both life and after death, but must keep still and quiet in order that they may approach and affect us. When I walk in the nearby redwood forest, the silence and stillness there is palpable, but, though I am very aware of it, it remains outside of me. It is only when I stop and sit and remain still myself that it begins to permeate my body, emotions, and mind—until I am it and it is me. Those who do not make the allowance and establish themselves in a properly receptive mode are unable to take into themselves the peace and stillness of the forest. They may “think” or “believe” that they have taken it in as they ran or biked, but it is not the same as when they actually stop all activity and become receptive.