I Like the Idea..

I like the idea that there is a God who rules the world and the heavens. I like the idea that bad people go to Hell -- forever. And that good people go to Heaven. I like the idea that God is punishing me for my sins. This makes all my pain purposeful, meaningful. I like the idea that God is vengeful enough that he actually thinks about ME and MY sins enough to give me extreme, tortuous pain to make me pay for my wrongs now while I'm still alive. That's compassionate rather than sending me to Hell with its eternal pain. I like the idea of angels and demons, of right and wrong, of honor and dishonor, but mostly of the fact that stories are MEANT to be told and heard. Because for some reason I am just FULL of stories; utterly melodramatic stories that make me laugh and cry and inspire me. 

I have been doing Buddhist zazen for forty years and I am now realizing that I DON'T LIKE ZEN OR BUDDHISM because they don't appreciate melodrama or good or bad people and really don't tell stories. For them it is all just phenomena and illusion and samsara. So when I die, I just vanish. Buddhism does teach reincarnation, which makes total sense to me and which I can attest to as being real and true. But Zen is very unconcerned with reincarnation or time or being, leaning more towards none of that, Emptiness. 

Can I possibly swallow the B.S. of belief and superstition and stories and melodrama as presented in good religious traditions? You're darn tooten' I can! I can enjoy a good pretending that makes me happy, a nice story that Jesus loves ME! I may know it's absurd but life is absurd, humans are absurd as well as insane (though a real Believer doesn't think such things or even hold those opinions). Can I even pray to Jesus? I may always have to preface my prayer with, "Lord, I'm not a believer but I can pretend well enough. So perhaps, even though you don't exist and God doesn't exist, you can still listen and answer." 

I like the idea of being "righteous" and feeling it. I know someone who has completely duped himself into believing his own B.S.. He quotes from the Bible as though he personally knows God who wrote it and believes he does. I don't think I could deceive myself so well as that, but I can play along and feel good and be good and go to Heaven when I die. I like the idea of a God who punishes my ass for my sins and makes me whole again after I suffer. And, believe me, I do suffer in this poor old body. And, what's more important, I count my fucking blessings.