On being "left to oneself"

 

Left to ourselves, we may see more. Left to myself, I see my unsettled mind, my disbelief of “answers,” and my own need to “make sense” frustrated. Yet I remain in the world that must make sense. One pretends that “it all makes sense” if one is to be able to cope—and survive—in the world. We close our eyes to our own inner protest perpetually. We “do what must be done” relentlessly, and, as it turns out, ruthlessly. And we suffer for it internally, if not externally. It is better to be “off the wheel” from the start rather than to “keep on rolling” endlessly in distraction. It may take a lifetime to realize this, which is to say, admit it. When one is in it and “on the ride,” the folly of “getting off it” seems obvious. One does not jump off the roller coaster at any point until it stops and the ride is over. It may be only then that one realizes just how unsettled one’s mind actually is, or all mind actually is. Where does “my mind” begin and the collective mind end? Are there no boundaries or are they already rather set?

Most of us never quite get to the point at which we decide that our life is to be left up to ourselves. I’m just about 74 and I have finally gotten to that point. I followed many paths in my life. I’m referring to what are called “spiritual paths.” I got as far away from doctrine as I could with Zen Buddhism mixed with a hefty dose of Daoism for the last 30 years, though I still certainly “followed” rigorously. When I stopped following and founded my own religion with its one and only member, I was no longer compelled to do anything, though I chose to still simply “observe” this person whom I call myself. “Choosing for oneself” is much different than following another, no matter how “true” or “well-established.” I would rather learn from my own mis-takes (purposely hyphenated) than blame someone else for misleading me. It only took almost 74 years to realize this, God (or no-God) forbid. I also realized that the phrase, “The truth shall make you free,” should be altered a bit to read: “The truth shall make you free—for the first five seconds anyway.” The truth is neither a formula nor a magazine subscription; one must have it in the moment, each moment, or it is but mere imaginal fantasy. It is not conceptual, but experiential, and experiential prior to any interpretation of the experience at that. So how does one experience without thinking, without defining the experience to oneself? That would be the unanswerable question.