In the 60s, 70s, even the 80s, people, my generation, talked about "enlightenment" rather frequently. It was a spiritual goal; something to be definitely attained as well as possible to attain. However, it never struck me as real, as a particular state to be attained or attainable, for that matter. I had a different point of view, seeing such a quest as a denial of the present moment and oneself as one is within it. I found myself engaging in the practice of what is called Buddhist meditation, particularly zazen, off and on, sometimes rather steadily for years, over the last forty years, mostly alone rather than in groups, though I was a Zen monk in a Zen monastery for awhile. But even "sitting," as it is called, seemed more like a kind of self-hypnosis more than anything else, which would have been my own fault since I had no teacher other than myself. I found American and European Zen people to be saner than most but still hung up with the notion of attaining enlightenment, which I found to be strange, if not un-Zen. To me, zazen was a deepening self-observation on many levels that could lead to a greater self-understanding and perhaps did. I ceased this practise awhile ago since it had become more Zen naptime than anything else. I may actually have attained what is called enlightenment, which is, to my mind, not quite the same as satori or nirvana. Now I will say what my experience of enlightenment is: Enlightenment is the realization of how utterly endarkened we are. We simply have no idea of how ignorant and unaware we are of anything.
People who deem themselves "awake" are quick to say "It is as it is," as if they actually know how it is. My response to them when they so glibly say this is,
"Well, just how is it, then?" As it appears, as we think it is, as we believe, as we interpret, as if we have any inkling whatsoever of what is happening? I have spoken of this ad nauseam here before. We even think that we know what we are, much less who we are! What I do know is that I do not know these things. This is not to say that I do not know how to operate within the culture and society, as insane as they may be, because I can walk and talk and type these words and relate with other people. But what I relate is within the social-cultural context or even perhaps somewhat more abstract than that, "philosophical" as they say, perhaps giving an impression that I "know what I'm talking about." This is all about surviving on a somewhat more "sophisticated" level, as determined by such things as opportunity, which is generally determined by such things as race, gender, economic class within the culture and society.
It may be apparent that I pretty much just follow my thoughts when I write; direction perpetually changes. My thinking is circuitous rather than linear; I end up back at some kind of beginning again, which I like. And this happens pretty much of its own accord; I am willing to let my mind or whatever it is speak as I write it. Sometimes it just stops and I run out of words. I haven't written in this blog for a rather long time; I actually ran out of words. But I did have a "new realization" about "enlightenment," though it is more of a new metaphor, perhaps more accurate in this moment for me, than any of my previous hackneyed cliches. It is nice to write again, though, in truth, I write every day in various other places: two or three computers and a handwritten journal I keep in my car. I tend to keep my own counsel, as it were, those it is well-known that those who keep their own counsel often fall in with the wrong crowd.
Those who see enlightenment as something real to be attained will see me probably as simply ignorant, defiant, a non-believer, unenlightened and unenlightenable. They will be quite correct in that, though I should say that I am a believer in Fate, in God, in the gods, etc. I have prayed readily in times of desperation and have believed. All is my world. When others have suggested I am a pantheist, I have responded that I am more of a "pantyist," which, though not PC, makes me smile. It would be nice, I suppose, if I could "pin myself down" as to what I am, who I am, how it is, etc., but "amness" and "isness" are not like this. We are more ghosts of ourselves, imaginations of ourselves, possibilities, pasts and futures in our own minds, than we are who we think we are. Enlightenment pins nothing down but pulls out any pins there may be and makes us even as the wind in the trees.
People who deem themselves "awake" are quick to say "It is as it is," as if they actually know how it is. My response to them when they so glibly say this is,
"Well, just how is it, then?" As it appears, as we think it is, as we believe, as we interpret, as if we have any inkling whatsoever of what is happening? I have spoken of this ad nauseam here before. We even think that we know what we are, much less who we are! What I do know is that I do not know these things. This is not to say that I do not know how to operate within the culture and society, as insane as they may be, because I can walk and talk and type these words and relate with other people. But what I relate is within the social-cultural context or even perhaps somewhat more abstract than that, "philosophical" as they say, perhaps giving an impression that I "know what I'm talking about." This is all about surviving on a somewhat more "sophisticated" level, as determined by such things as opportunity, which is generally determined by such things as race, gender, economic class within the culture and society.
It may be apparent that I pretty much just follow my thoughts when I write; direction perpetually changes. My thinking is circuitous rather than linear; I end up back at some kind of beginning again, which I like. And this happens pretty much of its own accord; I am willing to let my mind or whatever it is speak as I write it. Sometimes it just stops and I run out of words. I haven't written in this blog for a rather long time; I actually ran out of words. But I did have a "new realization" about "enlightenment," though it is more of a new metaphor, perhaps more accurate in this moment for me, than any of my previous hackneyed cliches. It is nice to write again, though, in truth, I write every day in various other places: two or three computers and a handwritten journal I keep in my car. I tend to keep my own counsel, as it were, those it is well-known that those who keep their own counsel often fall in with the wrong crowd.
Those who see enlightenment as something real to be attained will see me probably as simply ignorant, defiant, a non-believer, unenlightened and unenlightenable. They will be quite correct in that, though I should say that I am a believer in Fate, in God, in the gods, etc. I have prayed readily in times of desperation and have believed. All is my world. When others have suggested I am a pantheist, I have responded that I am more of a "pantyist," which, though not PC, makes me smile. It would be nice, I suppose, if I could "pin myself down" as to what I am, who I am, how it is, etc., but "amness" and "isness" are not like this. We are more ghosts of ourselves, imaginations of ourselves, possibilities, pasts and futures in our own minds, than we are who we think we are. Enlightenment pins nothing down but pulls out any pins there may be and makes us even as the wind in the trees.
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