THROUGH LOVING FLOWS "WISDOM"

People do not “find” the Truth or Reality, nor can they “define” it as an understanding of what it is. They can only “be” it, i.e., live it as their lives, but when that occurs, this moment, even in all its heartache and pain, is us, is our life, is me, is my life. We want it not to be so; we want it different; we want it the way it “should” be. When I have said that “wisdom comes through me,” I meant it, in spite of the self-effacing comparison of my wisdom to a “miniscule divine fart.” That was probably a bit too self-effacing. But let’s face it: all we really have is our selves and that which is seen as the Self, the greater component or being of all of us. Whatever we may name that, many of us hold it to be true, some from traditional belief, some from a kind of logic and common sense, and some from both. We as ourselves are not unaware of the existence of many selves, but we know it all only through this one that is our self. This is necessarily true; “ego” is not bad, though it must be aware of itself as part of the body of many selves if it is to function in reality. In truth, we are not separate from each other on most levels, though we are definitely separated on the physical and in the way the physical acts on the emotional and mental “bodies” which we also include; so we may feel and think quite differently from each other, but my own sense and belief is that we are far more similar emotionally than we are different. It’s just that some of us have more of a mental control of our emotional component than others. This may be necessary in a controlled social environment but such events as “falling in love” or as mass anger as a consequence of mass injustice may easily overcome any social inertia or blindness.

In truth, I think I do know how wisdom comes to one. It is never through choice, for the “initiation” into its truth is not one most people would choose at all. I didn’t, but it happened anyway. One could say it was my “fate” or that I was “blessed by God” if one had such an imagination, or simply that it “happened as it happened,” and I “stepped up" to it. One could even say that it really was a blessing sent to change me if I could but accept the responsibility and seize the opportunity, in the awareness to see it as such. As a most self-centered person, I had been pretty much oblivious to others. I was amiable enough, friendly and kind, but my life revolved around me, my wants, my visions, my hopes, my beliefs, which were very overbalanced on the “me side.” I hardly even noticed that my first wife was there. She was a beautiful, kind, intelligent, and loving woman whom I mostly ignored, engaged in my own intense spiritual quest. We went through a lot together but I never talked with her or touched her. I broke her heart, her inherent faith. I never bothered to know who she was; I was more important in the “great scheme of things.” I read so much “wisdom” and meditated upon so much “wisdom” but it never even dawned on me what wisdom even was; I thought it was so much “arcane knowledge.”

In time I had a daughter who was born with severe autism. She became the center of my life. My life revolved around her, not me. For twenty years I took care of her and supervised others who did so, the later time being pretty much just her and me, before she moved into the care of a supported living agency at age twenty. Caring for someone other than myself as I did for a long time changed me. It was my choice; I left my work to see if I could improve her condition, and even if I did help in some way, it certainly improved my condition. Putting someone else first was not hard for me. It was the natural result and expression of my great love for her. I finally recognized that there are others people than just myself. In this time I began to notice in my writing to myself, which I had been doing for years, began to flow with a kind of “wisdom,” a love for all beings, a profound appreciation of life and others, a sense of beauty and kindness that I had never experienced before. She “opened up my heart,” as it were, which still had a long way to go. Then, I remarried, and very quickly, my wife had an accident in which she became disabled and in excruciating chronic pain of fibromyalgia. And again I found my normally quite self-centered life revolving around the love and care of another. I had to learn and am still learning how she feels and how it is to be trapped in a suffering body. I willingly took much of this pain upon myself in hopes that it might alleviate her level of pain. I believe that this is possible but that pain begets pain also. I had to be able to “bear up” under it weight and not be crushed by it, which still remains a rather daunting task after eight years. My wife opened my heart in a different way: I learned what love is. Kahill Gibran’s words on love in The Prophet come to mind:

When love beckons you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you, yield to him

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun.

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart,

And in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s     pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,

And weep, but not all of your tears.

If we can learn what love is, which can only be by our own experience of loving and of being loved, wisdom comes of its own accord, not ours. Love opens us to all of life, which can be most devastating, yet also with overwhelming joy and beauty.